I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
