I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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