she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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