We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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