i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
honey bunches of taint.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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