Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
