I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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