Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
soo... how was my night?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
