If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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