you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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