"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
