Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
