i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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