Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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