I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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