Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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