You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
