He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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