I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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