I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
