I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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