I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
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Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
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Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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