What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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