just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
