If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
