when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
pray to the hookup gods
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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