when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
