The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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