You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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