Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
