drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
