New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize