Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
