ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
where am i from again
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
