mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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