we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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