so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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