walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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