she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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