He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
