i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
