Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
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