im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
