This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
