so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
