I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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