theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
