I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He passed out mid-signature
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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