So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
zippers are such a cool invention
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
