What did we do last night that was yellow?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
they're like a gay fantastic four
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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