On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
