I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
