I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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