There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
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He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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