You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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