I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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