6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
