his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
