be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
