I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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