to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
