i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
